THE ORIGIN OF LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches
occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood, when human
beings coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This
epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the
occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required a reliable source of grain, and
that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum
can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the Conservative
movement.

Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to
live off Conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing
women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
the Liberal movement. Later, some of the Liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of
group therapy, and democratic voting to see how to divide up the beer and
meat that the Conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy
at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the
Conservatives fed them.

The largest, most powerful land animal on earth symbolizes
Conservatives.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer
white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on Liberal menus. Their
women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want
others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were
Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, college professors,
journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the
pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other
Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They prefer to "govern" the producers
and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals
just stayed in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.

Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of
law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their
churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the
Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They
believe in the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to
stealing the production of Conservatives and undermining principled references such
as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because
they always do whatever is best for them at the time without regard to
others. They have no standard of reference and are never consistent. Liberals
do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field
of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax
money, which they tax away from Conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self-defense, both at home and abroad. They
own guns and use them to discourage Liberals and other common criminals.
They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign Liberals and
other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in Conservative self-defense. They disarm
Conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by Liberal armies
with guns. King George III, Stalin and Pol Pot were all Liberals who
abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self-indulgence,
and attempted to tax and govern Conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG
government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer
because it's the ultimate big government.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,
convict common criminals and acquit fellow Conservatives who have been charged
by Liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot Liberals from
other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the
difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some
Liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce
bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws appeal to them at the moment,
such as the privilege of making a living by taxing Conservatives. When sitting
on juries, Liberals convict producers and acquit Liberals and other common
criminals. Liberal judges do not produce anything except chaos, and are
paid by fellow Liberals with confiscated tax money. They consider it illegal
to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like
other Liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them.
Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.
A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and
inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might
locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been
born yet."

So, what'll it be? Steak or tofu? Wine or Beer? Domestic or imported?