JC Penney Co, MD -Federal agents raided headquarters of the “Self Described Anarchist Collective” yesterday after psychic forces detected illegal downloading of dead spirits. Spiritualism copyrighted by Parker Brothers, was medium being used through séance at SDAC's zine release party. The spirits evoked were nihilist “anarchist” Jorge Luis Borges and “anarcho”-socialist Oscar Wilde, prompting their imprisonments for actively associating with other self described “anarchists.” They have been charged with conspiracy to riot in furtherance of terrorism. A third, Margaret Anderson, escaped with copies of the zine, uploading it to SDAC's website. Any information on the whereabouts of Anderson should be immediately reported to the authorities.

The catastrophe has prompted authorities to redefine the use of the word anarchist as something that can't be self-described. At a press conference a reporter asked the head of the FBI if he was familiar with Wilde's work. He replied, “I especially like the Ernest one, um, Ernest goes to camp, but this is beside the point. It goes to show that anarchists are as unimaginative as their politics.”


At a town hall meeting, the President has this to say, “I understand Borges frustration with government, but there are rules to being an anarchist. We thought he learned that from the Nobel Committee.”


The President has also started a special task force with anarchist scholars: Ron Paul, the Wackowski brothers and Rush Limbaugh to come together with a solution to the so-called self described dilemma.


“Not everyone has the right to call themselves anarchists,” said Paul, congressperson from TX.


The Wachowski brothers have pitched a payment plan, where a person can pay to use the label “anarchist.”


“They will be educated in standard anarchist thought. Real anarchists like Rothbard, Rand, and Limbaugh,” remarked Andy Wachowski.


Rush Limbaugh has settled for $50,000 per month tuition to teach those interested in becoming anarchists.


“Anarchism must be pure,” said Limbaugh. “It's ludicrous to let the name be polluted by fairies or fairy doers.”


As for the illegal downloading of spirits, the SDAC has been fined 2 million and will serve 3 years in the military for their infractions. The 2 million is a price set by book publishers for their reserved rights and by Parker Brothers for their possible sales in Ouija boards actually working.

An organization called Hades Bash Back! which all three spirits were representing, has called for unconditional release of Wilde and Borges:

“We have more anarcho-queers in hell than the American Government could handle. Our spirits are the riots your churches warned you about.”


You can download the zine here

selfdescribed.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/an-action-and-strategy-primer.pdf

Requests for hard copy media at

selfdescribedanarchist-AT-riseup.net