NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY

PHONE TAP TRANSCRIPT

January 13, 2006, 1:22 P.M.

[PHONE RINGING]

Male Voice 1: Yellow!

Male Voice 2: Chad?

Male Voice 1: You guessed it!

Male Voice 2: It’s Rex.

Male Voice 1: What do you want?

[SOUNDS OF FOOD BEING CHEWED]

Male Voice 2: Jesus, what are you eating?

Male Voice 1: Foie gras.

[LAUGHTER]

Male Voice 2: You know they force-feed geese until their livers are distended so you can eat that?

Male Voice 1: I know.

Male Voice 2: Pretty cool.

Male Voice 1: Yep. So what do you want?

Male Voice 2: Well, a souped-up monster truck driven by an illegal Mexican chauffeur, with a trunk full of fen-phen and a horn that blows “Who Let the Dogs Out?” would be nice. Especially in teal.

Male Voice 1: No, you can’t borrow my truck again. But I will lend you my forged handicapped-parking pass.

Male Voice 2: So what are you bringing to the potluck?

Male Voice 1: Only thing I got here is an old jar of beets and some crystal meth. The beets are really old. What color are new beets?

Male Voice 2: I was gonna bring Styrofoam plates, and maybe some bootlegged CDs. Hope it rains.

Male Voice 1: Wunderbar. That why you called?

Male Voice 2: Didja watch that Julia Roberts DVD?

Male Voice 1: I hate Julia Roberts.

Male Voice 2: You hate Julia Roberts?

Male Voice 1: More than I don’t value teachers.

Male Voice 2: I feel you. If Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks and some teachers were caught in a rusty bear trap in a part of the Alaskan wilderness newly opened up for oil drilling, I’d hop on the Net and send out billions of spam e-mails in celebration. Billions. Just by hitting “Send.”

Male Voice 1: What about that gay-cowboy movie?

Male Voice 2: It sucked. I just couldn’t get over this little voice in my head that kept saying, “These cowboys are gay! And that’s wrong.”

[SOUND OF A CAT SHRIEKING]

Male Voice 1: Just kicked my cat.

[LAUGHTER]

Male Voice 2: Wish I could have seen that on tape.

Male Voice 1: Well, I taped it.

Male Voice 2: Man, do I love H.M.O.s.

Male Voice 1: What?

Male Voice 2: Nothing. So, look, the reason I called is I was hoping you could pick up Winston and Cruella from Little League practice later. I know it’s my day to carpool, but I’m going to be browsing various Internet porn sites for most of the rest of the afternoon and, well, to be honest, even if I wasn’t I just don’t feel like, you know, contributing in any way today. Also, I can’t stand wearing pants. And seeing as how last week I did you a solid when you asked me to get you a few of those disposable cellular phones and the number of that guy with all those airborne disease agents, I was thinking you could pick up the kids instead.

[SILENCE]

Male Voice 2: Chad?

Male Voice 1: I don’t think so.

Male Voice 2: Can I ask why not?

Male Voice 1: I don’t know; can you?

Male Voice 2: Jesus, Chad, you know things have been tough for me since Serena left and I began making telemarketing calls to people who have put their names on the national “Do Not Call” list.

Male Voice 1: Uh, that’s my other line. I gotta go.

Male Voice 2: That’s not your other line.

Male Voice 1: Yeah. It is. You can’t hear it on your end. I’ll expect you to drop Cruella off here by four-thirty, and not a second later.

Male Voice 2: Listen to me, Chad, listen to me very closely, because I’m only going to say this once, and I’m the kind of person who means what he says, and says what he means. Catch my drift?

Male Voice 1: Sorry, I’m watching “Celebrity Fear Factor.” Missed that.

Male Voice 2: I wouldn’t hesitate to kill innocent bystanders if in doing so I could also kill you and your family. The rule of law, freedom, our way of life, etc., all not only mean nothing to me—they fill me with rage.

Male Voice 1: Whatever. Fat people don’t scare me.

Male Voice 2: Cruella is disinvited from Winston’s paintball party on Saturday.

Male Voice 1: The dead animals you will soon start receiving in the mail are from me. And you’re no longer welcome at Tuesday’s book club.

[LINE 1 HANGS UP. LINE 2 HANGS UP.]

END TRANSCRIPT.