I haven’t counted how many times my life has stopped in the past year and a half and I get really fucking pissed off and sick to my stomach for a while. It is when I think about how humiliated I have been by Chicago activists.

I do not know where to start really. I guess that I think that the real problem is that you do not want to believe that one of your friends could do it. Well I wish it were not true too. That is why I did not tell anybody. Because I did not want any of my friends to have to deal with whether it was true or not. I felt comfortable thinking that he knew what he did was wrong and that maybe he felt bad about it. That is why it was a fucked up idea having me meet with him and have him deny that to my face. I was not thinking clearly enough to see that this was such a destructive idea but I hope that no other activist has to go through that again.

Before that day, I felt sorry for Cory. I knew he was depressed way before he raped me. And especially the way he acted right before, the act itself, and afterwards made me feel like he must be in a really fucked up place. However, after the “mediation” I did not care any more if he lived or died. In fact, I have started to really hate him. I was never up late like this pissed thinking about it before the mediation as I am now.

I am pissed because it is unfair. I know that everything in life is. It still surprises me every time though. I think that’s its unfair that one of my friends who “doesn’t want to get involved in he said, she said shit” still hangs out with Cory. It is because he is impressed with his macho ARA attitude and uses him a male role model. Even more unfair that he brings my friends who do not know that Cory raped me over to Cory’s house. What the fuck. Am I supposed to tell all my friends “hey don’t go over to his house, he‘s a rapist”?

I know you are not going to do anything about what you did. Nevertheless, stay away from my friends. I already had to tell all these people the details of you ejaculating inside me. I did not want to have to tell anybody that shit now do not make me have to deal with you any more.

I do not know all the details of the ARA mailing list. I was told that Rick put out an email saying that he thought it was a case of regretting it after the fact. Well I have had sex with people before and regretted it. In fact, I have probably regretted it more times, than I have not. Partners, if I could even call them that, have also done some really fucked up shit to me. I would never call them rapists though, why would I start here. Cory never did anything to me why would I want to accuse him of something so terrible. In fact, because he was my friend is partly why I did not tell anybody for so long.

Then when I told Josh and he told a bunch of other people, it was out of my hands. Everybody got rape happy I swear. We are activist. We enjoy having to fight for a cause. People were so excited about having to deal with something that they lost touch with the whole purpose and really hurt me in the process.

I told Seer on my friend’s porch about how none of how the way things were dealt was my idea. I told him how I did not really care what happened to him before the mediation. I also told him how I never said that he raped me to any of my friends. That the people who did the mediation were the first to actually use those words. I was trying to confide in him about how fucked up I thought this whole situation was. Months before that I had also said some of the same things to Rick.

Now once again I am not sure because I do not get ARA emails but there seems to be some confusion here. I was trying to explain how I felt. I was trying to explain how it was other people that blew things out of control, because it was. All the time I was saying “something happened” or “we had a falling out” because it was easier that way, and it still is. But when they asked me what or why, I gave the story of how he put he penis inside me and I had not wanted it there.

You do not normally talk about sex before you have it. That is one of the things that I thought was the weirdest. Because we did talk about it. We talked about it all night before it happened. Not like sexy talk. Like him saying he wanted to have sex with me, (we had casual sex a few times before) and me saying no, I have a boy friend. This is another argument that was made. That I felt guilty about cheating on him so I said I was raped. Well I cheated on him for real later on and felt morbidly guilty but that other guy still hasn’t raped me.

And yes, I was weirded out by him. He was drunk and what I thought was unstable so I didn’t want to kick him out and I knew my friend was on her way over. She arrived just afterwards. And my mom was downstairs the whole time. Cory didn’t cover my mouth and hold me down. He broke me down. He asked me and told me weird shit over and over again. I didn’t give up and go fine you can have sex with me if it makes you shut up either. I was just drunk and complacent enough that I let it happen. I didn’t kick or scream. I cried. During and immediately after. I have told a lot of you the physical details but I think that maybe you will understand better now how it happened because I myself have not been able to see how it did.

So just stop talking about me behind my back. I'd rather have you forget that anything happened than try to tell people it didn't. Since obviously it doesn't matter that it did. You have failed chicago. You can't have a revolution or make any sort of difference in your cause when you let shit like this slide.

I have spent so much time defending what believe in to the rest of the world. Now I am defending myself being raped to a bunch of activists. If I could go back, I would’ve gone to the cops that night. And that is sad.