Church: Harmful Effects of Masturbation May Have Been "Exaggerated"




The Christian world was shocked this week by comments made by Cardinal Richard O'Toole, who admitted that his recent study of adolescents failed to find any substantial correlation between masturbation and deteriorating eyesight in teens.

His Grace stated frankly that "there is no evidence that playing with yourself leads to blindness as was previously believed" and admitted that the church's prohibition of the act on medical grounds "would have to be revisited in light of these new findings."

However, the Cardinal was far from apologetic about the church's stance against masturbation during the past thousand years, noting that, despite the research, it continues "to be an act of pleasure performed solely by filthy perverts leading to eternal condemnation by God." He pointed to increased acne and abnormal hair growth amongst chronic masturbators as clear signs of the Almighty's displeasure.

Reactions to the Cardinal's conclusions were mixed. While the news was warmly welcomed by some in the Christian community, many priests are demanding an inquisition into the Cardinal's research methods.

Cardinal O'Toole, however, seems unfazed by the controversy and is already working on his next project: proving that the viewing of pornography and the thinking of "dirty thoughts" are the primary causes of declining vision in adolescents.