(AP) March 22nd, 2005

7th District Judge Arthur C. Quibbler denied yesterday Sea World Pet Shop's request to have the feeding tube re-inserted in Goldie the Goldfish. The perpetually comatose fish has been on life supporty systems for the last six years when it was removed last week on a court order requested of its owner, Craig Teichen.

"I can't help it if the fish fell on its head on the kitchen floor carpet when I was cleaning out its tank. I'm not a murderer. I just want Goldie's agony to mercifully end," Mr. Teichen stated at yesterday's press conference at the Federal building in downtown Chicago. Religious pro-lifers led by Pat Robertson and Jerry Failwell blasted Judge Quibbler's decision and accused Mr. Teichen of "commiserating with the devil".

President Bush, hoping to spare Goldie's life, flew back to Washington from Crawford Texas to sign into law the hastily passed "Goldie" Bill (Senate Bill 1543, House Bill 2341) last night at 11:00 p.m. - a law paving the way for a reversal of the court's rulling to yank the air and food away from the brain-dead fish. "Never before has Congress rushed into such compassionate action in drafting the "Goldie" Bill," stated American Pro-Life League President Peter LaBababababarian. "Members of the human species, particularly those soldiers and civilians maimed and killed in Iraq and all over the Middle East by American guns and tanks will appreciate the humanitarian efforts of the United States government in moving quickly to pass such an extraordinarily humanitarian inter-species law as the Goldie Measure," Mr. LaBabababarian went on to say at today's 6:00 a.m. press conference in Chicago.