The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline the stump, 21 October

Disconnect at the Cannon Fodder Farm!

Bush protects U.S. from terror!
No planes hijacked in last three years!
No Iowa cornfields set afire
No Indiana bank's been hit by bombs
No Pennsylvania farmland laid with mines!

And when a high school football star
is killed abroad
the town square church's bell is rung
and flags drawn down to hang half-mast
and hymns are sung.

And when the moms of military amputees
regret, when interviewed,
the sacrifice,
they then go on to say
that Bush is nice.

Dick sez: America, America,
god turns his face from thee,
when lying fools
and simple tools
still get thy loyalty.

And! Hot new feature! The Dick Poll!
The Dick Times has just polled thousands
of ordinary people, all voters, folks just like you,
on today's really big issues! Here's the first batch!

Q. Was Kerry gay bashing when he referred to
Cheney's daughter in the last debate?
A. Most people don't know who Gay is.

Q. Should gay bashing be a hate crime?
A. Most people say they hated crime.

Q. What was the Bush stance in
the Matthew Shepherd case?
A. Most people thought that all Texans hated shepherds but that it shouldn't be a crime.

Q. What about that Dutch kid
who stuck his finger in the dike?
A. Most people thought that since Ron Reagan was a hedonist homosexual stem cell murdering ballet dancer it really didn't matter what he did-
straight to hell in a hand basket and be damned!

And so it goes with some of the folks who might determine
the winner of this November's election.
Jim Mall Chicago