Personally, I got over the urge to walk around in public with candles when I was an altar boy for the Catholic Church. Been there, done that. I only wish the activist leaders in my area would get over the urge to light a public candle each and every time they want to “bear witness” to a civic ill. It’s not only redundantly boring; it’s extremely ineffective activism. Quick, name a vigil that lead to victory or, for that matter, celebrated a victory.

First, vigils are strategically minimalist. The overarching mood of any vigil is one of mourning. It’s basically a public show of weeping for a cause. You’re never asked to do anything at a vigil other than be a warm body, hold a candle, and – if you can muster it – shed a tear when the cameras are on you. Action? Forgetaboutit. Mourn baby, mourn.

And liberals love it; especially the aging liberals who always show up with that dopey look of nostalgia for their “good old days” of real activism “in the ‘60s.” One question for these folks: if you could do good activism in the ‘60s, what’s wrong with doing it today, too? Frankly, they talk about yesterday’s activism as though they got something out of their system rather than trying to build on something.

Of course, these aging liberals have grown to be quite comfortable in the system they once abhorred. And they’ve gained a bit of weight, taken on bigger mortgages than they need, and started to sternly lecture their children about not using the drugs they so dearly loved. The next thing you know they’re calling for a vigil for everything they can think of.

Ever noticed the demographics of a vigil? I know it’s unscientific, but my drive-by assessment of these embarrassing little gatherings is that the people standing above the flickering of their candles are older and wealthier than the norm. And you won’t find too many young people standing around, either. No matter how much time the vigil organizers put into trying to lure the children, they’ll always fail. Kids can see through this nonsense. Hell, to them voting is more exciting than standing around with candles.

I got two email invitations to vigils this week in Montpelier. The first one involved genetically modified organisms (GMOs) and a chance to vigil in front of Governor Jim Douglas’ office door. Gov. Douglas, it turns out, is likely to veto the modest GMO reforms moving through Vermont’s state legislature. So what do the anti-GMO crusaders want us to do? Fire up those candles, folks.

It’s not a one shot deal, either. The GMO vigilers are taking a bold new step toward endurance with a call to “vigil in front of the governor’s office at lunch time for the next 30 days!” Not only that, they’re asking all vigilers to wear red. Goodness, it keeps getting better and better. That’ll show him: candles and red shirts! How could he possibly veto the bill?

I knew I should have stopped reading the email after it began with “HOORAY to us all!” Ew. And the self-congratulation was all about getting one chamber of the legislature to include some very moderate regulatory wording on GMOs in an agriculture bill. Hooray? Sorry, but I’ll save my hoorays for some real victories and truly bold activism. You know, like the fine folks in Mendocino, California who succeeded at BANNING GMOs in their county. Hooray for them, indeed.

My next vigil invitation came from the Montpelier peace crowd, a group of people who can invariably make an activist gathering feel like a church experience. But at least in church you get the Jesus-wafer and a slurp of wine for a snack.

The peace crowd’s latest vigil is trying to aim for some originality this time, too, apparently sensing the yawn factor in their previous gatherings. Instead of candles, they’re now asking people to come with a pair of old shoes. The goal is to have one pair of shoes for every U.S. soldier killed in Iraq. Exciting, huh?

According to Vermont’s Vigiler-in-chief, Joseph Gainza, of the American Friends Service Committee, here’s how next Saturday’s shoe vigil will unfold:

“We will meet at the Montpelier City hall at 9:30 AM. We begin the march to the State House at10:00. The march will be in silence with only a slowly beating drum to accompany us. Each marcher will carry a pair of shoes, representing one of the American dead in Iraq. There will be a banner commemorating the Iraqi dead. When we get to the State House, each person carrying a pair of shoes will line up to place them on the ground. We will be placing them in military formation facing the State House and the Iraq banner. As each pair is placed, the name of an American who has died will be read out loud. Every tenth name an Iraqi name will be read, with the addition and 200 more. When all the shows have been placed, we will stand in silence. There might be a few words said at the end, but that is not yet decided. We will then quietly disperse.”

Sermon over. Please, wake up now. And trust me, when Joseph says “the march will be in silence” and will “quietly disperse,” he means it. I pity the poor fools who try to do otherwise. Conformity is king at these nonconformist events. I remember the public pummeling a guy got a few months ago when he dared to show up at a peace vigil with a sign that said, “Fuck the Troops.” The ninnies went nuts, even trying to cover up his sign and then writing letters to the editor of the local paper condemning him for stepping out of line and not representing the feelings of the entire group of vigilers.

And, again, all this from a group of people who revel in the memories of their 1960s “wildness.” Good grief, now they’re writing letters to the editor casting aspersions on nonconformists. In the end, they want their people walking in lockstep just as Bush wants the nation walking in lockstep. It’s all very stifling.

So, Central Vermonters, pick your vigil and light those candles (or carry those shoes). It’s time to go to church – er, I mean the streets – and show the community we care. And the best part is that no matter what happens, you’ll get to say “hooray for us” at the end. Mmm, doesn’t that feel good? Goodnight.