Published on Sunday, July 7, 2002 in The Sunday Herald (Scotland)

- President's Bum Deal Was a Trick Missed
by Tom Shields

IT was not the most pleasant of tasks, but I am sure there would have been no lack of volunteers had the job been advertised. It was a time for any citizen concerned about the state of the world to step forward and say: 'Let me through, I'm a proctologist.'

I am talking, of course, about the exploration of the presidential colon. Few people, I imagine, would want to miss the opportunity to stick a hopefully large and shiny surgical implement up George W Bush's rear-end and wiggle it about a bit. Or even wiggle it about a lot, saying to the patient lying there without the benefit of anaesthetic: 'I'm sorry, Mr President, this will be very painful.'

Every centimetre of progress up the presidential passage would be a small step for man but a giant leap for mankind. Every centimetre and every little twist could be dedicated to some individual who has suffered at Dubya's hands. A vindictive sort of person might accompany each advance of the probe with comments such as: 'That's for all the Texans you executed so enthusiastically in your time as governor,' or, 'This is on behalf of the Afghans blasted to oblivion when the US armed forces decided that no wedding is complete without a clutch of 2000lb high explosive bombs and a bit of friendly strafing.'

Citizens concerned about Mr Bush's vigilante-style disregard for civil rights might like to advance the proctological periscope a swift inch on behalf of the individuals incarcerated for having a swarthy skin and an Arab name, a crime in post-September 11 America. The green lobby might like to give the scope an enthusiastic birl in memory of Bush's abandonment of the Kyoto treaty.

Those who hunger for justice might take the opportunity of making clear to the president their distaste for his decision to ignore the International Criminal Court of Justice. A few Palestinians with old-fashioned ideas of democratically electing their own leaders might like to join the queue.

A great fund-raising opportunity has been missed. Who would not contribute to a sponsored probe up Dubya's anal canal at £1 an inch, all proceeds to Africa to help bridge the funding gap left by Mr Bush and his fellow G8 leaders? Personally I would have pledged a considerable sum for a minute or two at the controls of the colonic camera, if only to see if there was any sign of Tony Blair up there.