This story originally published on The Pagan Science Monitor: pagansciencemonitor.typepad.com/

Chicago police authorities urged calm, but people remained worried Thursday after a Class One Demon commonly called “Bush” materialized inside the Hilton on South Michigan Avenue and began draining the morality out of all humans in the vicinity.

The demon’s True Demonic Name (which experts cautioned should not be spoken aloud) is “Rrrrghmmph,” according to sources. The Demonic Name is similar to the sound a human makes when choking on a pretzel, the sources said.

No one was physically hurt, but there were reports of widespread feelings of apathy, despair, and powerless rage, as well as insatiable urges for alcohol, drugs, television, bacon cheeseburgers, and shopping.

On the other hand, some people reportedly remained strong in the face of the Demon “Bush” (Rrrrghmmph) by countering its demonic energy with popular protest, sources said.

Taking the form of an exorcism, the popular protest included singing, chanting, whistling, and mocking the Demon “Bush” (Rrrrghmmph).

“The Devil, the Proude Spirite, cannot endure to be mocked,” said one astrolabe-brandishing protestor, who identified himself as Doctor Johnson.

In spite of the mayhem, Chicago police superintendent Phil Cline was heard to give his well-known code-phrase for “All clear, situation normal,” saying, “Beef jerky anybody?”

Details were still sketchy, due to the tight security measures of the demon’s aptly-named praetorian guard, the Secret Service, but it appeared that the demon was conjured by a Kult of Pure Evil known as the “Illinois Republican Party.”

The conjuration was said to have been accomplished in a bizarre ritual involving a Jimmy Buffet cover band and millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars.

According to expert demonologists, this Kult can be distinguished from a different one known as the “Illinois Democratic Party” chiefly in this way: Less graft in Cook County, more nefarious schemes hatched in the suburbs.

In a separate story, there were reports that Kult of Pure Evil Grand Dragon Pat Robertson had succeeded in replacing Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez with an animatronic bear from Chucky Cheese’s.

Robertson is believed to be working on a more realistic Chavez android, sources said.

In the meantime, though, as long as the Venezuelan government continues to share national oil wealth through spending on social services, instead of blowing it on Johnny Walker Black and lap dances for 213 princes of the royal family (in the manner of a certain oil-rich U.S. ally), the Venezuelan people may be content with the bear, sources said.

The bear, “Butch,” was reported stolen on Halloween 1996 from the Chucky Cheese’s off I-275 and Kingston Pike outside Knoxville, TN, and has long been suspected to be in the center of a nefarious scheme.

Expert demonologists consulted for this story preferred to remain anonymous, lest they be given a "time out," war-on-terror-style, in which they would have to stand in a far corner of the world, in an uncomfortable position, facing a wall of indifference, with stinky sacks over their heads, forever.

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