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Commentary :: Miscellaneous

I Got a Welt from the Bible Belt

Billy Graham comes to the Queens, the End is Nigh, and how I learned to love damnation
The Billy Graham Revival at Corona Park, Queens

Under flying saucer World's Fair relics I saw an old man on the verge of death open his heart and proclaim the gospel of our impending doom and implore the masses to open their checkbooks and help fund salvation. YES! HALLELUJAH! Saving souls don’t come cheap; the Queens gig cost Billy over $6 million. $6 million for about 90,000 people to watch giant televisions outdoors and soak in summer sun. Chubby hispanic toddlers whacked each other with oversized inflatable plastic hammers and hippie boys with Jebadiah beards and khaki shorts played volleyball and munched gorp while a too crisp, too clean crooner at the piano sang sad sap songs about how god is an Awesome God and something about a sheep and then he almost started crying, but he was just faking that to make the ladies swoon. And they did.

Yes, industrial religion, Americanized, supersized, sanitized, and stadium-sized. The Gospel pumped out to the public at a thousand gigawatts and when the stadium was full with followers the rest of the flock was herded to folding chairs and Jumbotron screens around the park where we could sit and watch the Reverend on TV in a lovely outdoor setting.

The whole scene was surreal; wholesome like a slice of apple pie you find a worm in. The gathered flock was ethnically and economically diverse, and little kids kicked soccer balls while barefoot parents sat in the shade and talked about baseball, and vacations at the beach, and how they can’t wait until that gay plague purges the Earth of all those evil faggots. A kid in a red Akademics jersey and gold chain handed me a leaflet that asked if I’d “bathed in the blood of the Lamb.” No, but I’ve swam at the Jersey shore before, and that was pretty nasty.

And christians, they argue a lot. Everybody’s misinterpretation of their mistranslated midevil Vatican-edited Bible is truer to the Word than everyone else’s. Do you speak Hebrew? Aramaic? No? How much of the Bible have you really read? One woman told me she'd read all of it, well most of it, well the whole New Testament, or at least most of the New Testament. But her husband had read all of it.

I spent a good hour talking to a twenty-four year old guy who had a sign proclaiming that Graham was a false prophet leading everyone to hell. The Reverend, apparently, isn’t judgmental enough. Sure, he hates gays and muslims, but what about the boastful, and the divorced, and women who speak in church? They deserve hatred and holy vengence too. Same with people who celebrate Christmas, promote self-esteem, and anyone in debt. Besides his fanatical disdain for 99.9% of the world, however, Mike was a nice guy. It's a bit strange though, joking with someone who is absolutely sure you'll spend an eternity tormented in Satan’s Gitmo. We're joking about "wicked thoughts" caused by New York mini skirts and he sees demons ripping the flesh from my bones in the fifth level of hell.

I hope he's wrong, but the potential for eternal damnation isn’t scary enough to make me change my ways. I bet hell's just like a really hot bath and eventually you get used to it. I mean, how bad can limitless mind-shattering suffering really be? I’ve lived in Daytona, Florida; that’s like hell with humidity. Besides, if Mike’s right then Billy Graham and all his followers will be roasting with me and they don’t party without big screen TVs, soccer, and plenty of grilled mutton. Sounds like a day at the park to me. So bring on the Rapture Lord, it just means a little more room on the subway.
 
 

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