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Commentary :: Right Wing

TERROR CODE RED!

Top-Secret White House Employee Handbook Stolen by Traitorous Liberal Publisher, Creating Trecherous Sleeper Cells of Reality Awareness in Bookstores Throughout the Nation!

- a satire -
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Emergency Statement by the President at White House Staff Meeting


THE PRESIDENT: My fellow alpha-males, token coloreds and yes-men – pardon my Sominex stupor, but I've cut short my favorite nap – the morning one – to stand before you with news more shocking than the shiny refrigerator magnet Janet Jackson had skewered through the end of that sloppy brown boobie of hers. Those of you who do that crazy "reading-books-and-newspapers" thing may already know this, but some turncoat turd among you has stolen a copy of the White House Inc. Employee Handbook!

In contravention of strict White House policy that nothing honest leaves this building, some Paul O'Neillish traitor among you has made this indiscreetly "off message" and otherwise enjoyable book available to a liberal and, no doubt, Jewish New York publisher. As of today, it is in the hands of the enemy. Yes, the American people. Now, any dipshit voter in America can walk into something my advisors tell me is called a "book store" and find out what really goes on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue – without even forking over $1 million seed money to the Bush/Halliburton reelection campaign.

That is why, effective immediately, I have directed Hysteria Czar Ridge to raise the Terror Alert Level to "Red" – or something even more shrill if he can think up a good color – for the very first time until this grave security breach can be remedied. Furthermore, by the authority vested in me as President by the Rehnquist Supreme Court of the United States of America, and in order to preserve the utmost secrecy surrounding every last facet of my utterly flawless and corruption-free reign, it is hereby ordered as follows:

Sec. 1. Martial law is in effect. Your regular scheduled Constitution and Bill of Rights are being pre-empted, possibly permanently, until such time as all Republican-voting patriots have used the tax rebate money I'm borrowing from their grandchildren to go out and scoop up every last illicit copy of the White House Inc. Employee Handbook, thereby preventing their ever falling into liberal, terrorist-coddling hands and blasting down the carefully-crafted illusion of integrity and competence of this beloved White House of Cards!

Sec. 2. This order is effective on 12:01 a.m. eastern standard time on February 3, 2004.

Sec. 3. This order shall be transmitted to the Congress and published in the Federal Register – only with all the sensitive stuff stricken.

GEORGE W. BUSH
THE WHITE HOUSE,
February 3, 2004.
 
 

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