MINUS ONE--THANKS FOR TELLING US NOW.

"Laws skirted using NAFTA: Cluse lets firms sidestep labor, environment rules"--read a front page headline in the Chicago Tribune, July 5, 2001.

Tribune readers now know what progressives have known for years: that NAFTA's Chapter 11 allows North American companies to supersede government laws courtesy unaccountable private tribunals.

But hey, don't blame the Tribune: it's only been seven years since the NAFTA got rammed through--I mean, approved by--Congress.

Next week, Trib readers will get breaking coverage of the discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel.

MINUS TWO--WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO?

So "Vice-President" Dick Cheney now has an IUD--oops, I mean ICD--inserted into his heart as a protective measure.

Despite getting an internal defibrillator, the State of the Cardiac Union hasn't looked good for Cheney since getting "elected."

Some people are even asking what would happen should, heaven forbid, Cheney expire before his term does?

Ever see ~Weekend at Bernie's~?

MINUS THREE--SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS.

Kelly Bulkeley, a dream researcher announced at the 18th Annual International Conference of the Association for the Study of Dreams that "Republicans [are] Nearly Three Times As Likely As Democrats To Have Nightmares."

It also so happens that people who hold political views to the left of Democrats have nothing but dreams. That's because for us, real life is already enough of a nightmare.

MINUS FOUR--MUD IN YOUR EYE, MUD IN MINE.

Beijing won its bid to host the 2008 Summer Olympics. This has met justified controversy because of China's human rights violations. The New York Times sports page (July 14, 2001, pg. B16) even noted an Amnesty International report that "China has executed 1,791 citizens since April in a renewed anticrime campaign."

Speaking of AI, Amnesty International also released a report about human rights violations in the United States. These violations didn't adversely affect the U.S.'s bids for the 1996 or 2002 Olympics, nor (gasp!) did they get mentioned on the New York Times sports page.

Physician heal thyself.

MINUS FIVE--REACH FOR THE STARS.

Robert S. Mueller III, the prosecutor chosen by "President" Bush to direct the FBI, has prostate cancer. (Mueller's prostate, Cheney's heart. Can Bush find anyone healthy?) Doctors say that the cancer was treatable and curable, and that shouldn't prevent Mueller from assuming the director's role and get right to work fixing the Bureau's recent PR fiascos and interfering with our civil liberties.

Moral: Prostate cancer shouldn't get in the way of political aspirations. Just ask Rudy Giuliani.