[The following was sent as a "Viewpoint" to The Daily Bruin, UCLA's student newspaper]

Feb 28, 2003

Dear Daily Bruin, Fellow Democrats and campus Republicans:


Following the success of the the UCLA "Affirmative Action Bake Sale" flaunted by the Republicans and their love of both baking and political discourse, I would like to do my part as an American and propose the following:

In order to provide fair treatment of, not one, but all political issues, I feel it is necessary to address many other of our domestic issues in the noble forum of snack vending. Consider, for example, an up-and-coming Spring semester "Family Values Bake Sale".

For "Family Values", pricing should be as follows. White-flour sugar cookies will be offered to Evangelical Christians for the mere sum of 11 cents. I choose this price not arbitrarily, but for the symbolism of the number 11, as in 1911, the birth year of our political Messiah, Ronald Reagan. The 11-cent offer will also be extended to visiting students from Bob Jones University, voting machine manufacturers, and also to any conservative Political Action Committee (PAC) benefactors, provided at least that your donations to the bake sale remain "soft".

Cookies will be offered to non-Evangelical Protestants, or other residents of any Republican district for 15 cents. Catholics pay a quarter.

Non-Christians such as Muslims, Hindus, Atheists, Zoroastrians, and Hare Krishnas will be charged 50 cents. Homosexuals will be charged $1.00. Proceeds of the higher prices will cover overhead associated with Faith-Based outreach programs, or "proselytization" as the liberals call it. However, such customers may apply for a half-off mail in rebate after completing one of the aforementioned Faith-Based conversion seminars.

As for product selection, the bake sale folks are pleased offer White-flour sugar cookies only. These classics are tried-and-true, and a proven match to the taste of ALL Americans.

Yours Patriotic & American,

Andy Frye
Chicago